Please understand.
That I am here and will always be.
Please understand.
I am broken in a very significant way.
Please understand.
When I don't answer the phone it is not that I don't want to talk to you.
Please understand.
It is because I am unable to talk to you at that time.
Please understand.
All that I have been through and continue to go through.
Please understand.
That I have endured years of trauma and abuse.
Please understand.
That it is not as simple as medication and time to cure my ills.
Please understand.
I want and need you to be a part of my life.
Please understand.
Just as I have accepted you for who you are I need the same consideration and understanding.
Please understand.
That my diagnosis is a part of who I am and not what I am.
Please understand.
That PTSD, Major Depressisve Disorder and Anxiety disorder are very real even though they are not visable ailments.
But please understand.
I am here and always will be your life long friend. Even if you don't understand I will always love and care about you.
Thank you for what I hope is your true understanding.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Lasting Gifts
With all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, and the guilt on my part, because I am unable to purchase the things my family wants. I was reminded what this time of year is really about and what greater gifts I can give to them that can not be purchased, when I read this wonderful post by Ms. Elliott. It reminded me of what is really important.
Lasting Gifts
The most important gifts are not those that you can hold in your hand. These, in their purest form, are simply an outward representation of the gifts that are the most lasting: the gifts of time, attention, thought, caring, peace of mind, true friendship, acceptance, patience, tolerance, laughter, joy, freedom of expression, companionship, insight, understanding, compassion.
Sometimes what is really important in life becomes obscured by outer concerns. These have a tendency to make us feel poor and wanting when we are not and to pull our attention to focus on the attainment of symbols of a rich existence, which can ultimately leave us destitute if we lack perspective and balance. Money and possessions are not in themselves important. Only what they represent has meaning. Note also that power, recognition, reputation, influence, control, and manipulation are not included on the list of lasting gifts. Our real life exists elsewhere, for if those inner gifts are ignored or lacking the rest are empty icons that can symbolize ultimately not abundance, but lack. You are fortunate to be both rich and generous with gifts that have real value. The rest, in the end, is truly nothing. My wish for all of us this holiday season, is the ability to recognize, express, and appreciate the lasting gifts in our lives. Have a Wonderful Holiday and be good to yourself. You deserve it!
~~~Gail Pursell Elliott
Lasting Gifts
The most important gifts are not those that you can hold in your hand. These, in their purest form, are simply an outward representation of the gifts that are the most lasting: the gifts of time, attention, thought, caring, peace of mind, true friendship, acceptance, patience, tolerance, laughter, joy, freedom of expression, companionship, insight, understanding, compassion.
Sometimes what is really important in life becomes obscured by outer concerns. These have a tendency to make us feel poor and wanting when we are not and to pull our attention to focus on the attainment of symbols of a rich existence, which can ultimately leave us destitute if we lack perspective and balance. Money and possessions are not in themselves important. Only what they represent has meaning. Note also that power, recognition, reputation, influence, control, and manipulation are not included on the list of lasting gifts. Our real life exists elsewhere, for if those inner gifts are ignored or lacking the rest are empty icons that can symbolize ultimately not abundance, but lack. You are fortunate to be both rich and generous with gifts that have real value. The rest, in the end, is truly nothing. My wish for all of us this holiday season, is the ability to recognize, express, and appreciate the lasting gifts in our lives. Have a Wonderful Holiday and be good to yourself. You deserve it!
~~~Gail Pursell Elliott
Remember you are the greatest gift to yourself and your loved ones. Have a blessed holiday.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Awareness leads to kindness
I was considering what to write about and nothing came to mind, no deep thought or episode. But I just want to share part of my life's journey.
In 2003 my daughters and I had moved across country to Northern California and because of certain circumstances we were in a "safe location" in San Francisco. On a Saturday morning I woke up first and then my youngest woke up because she had an accident in bed, well I thought nothing of it and we went ahead and stripped the bed and I put her in the bathtub to clean up and so we can get her dressed. This was just a normal morning, she was up and bathed and I was getting her dressed, she laid on my bed so I could put her socks on and then it happened, her whole body was stiff and shaking, she was not breathing normally I knew it was a seizure and later I learned it is called a Grand Mal seizure. It took a second for me register it and then I moved her to the floor and put her on her side and I stuck my finger in her mouth. <side note> Later I learned that it is not necessary to put anything in the mouth of someone having a seizure. I got some help and at the same time I woke my other daughter and someone had called for the ambulance and it seemed like hours, the EMTs had arrived. Honestly I had never been so scared in my life, she finally regained consciousness on the way to the hospital scared and crying, I held her hand and reassured her that I was there and she was going to be alright. We get to UCSF (University of California San Francisco) hospital and she was coming out of it and starting to act like herself again, I was relieved to say the least. So as in all emergency rooms, once she was stable we waited, at least it was a private room, and waited after about two hours a nurse came in and informed me that they were going to do an MRI on her to see if they can find a cause of the seizure. The orderly came and got us and wheeled her in her gurney to the hallway outside of the MRI room and left us there by ourselves. Well then it happened again, she had another Grand Mal seizure right there in the hallway and we were all alone so I proceeded to knock on any door close to me, finally the MRI tech called for the emergency nurse and by the time she showed up the seizure was over. Soon after her seizure subsided the tech and nurse took us into the MRI room, that is where I got a bit more information, immediately after a grand mal seizure you loose the ability to speak, or recognize your immediate surroundings, this does go away soon afterwards. We waited for a few minutes and really let her come out of it and get back to herself and then they started the MRI. I was nervous because what if something major was wrong that we did not know about or what if I had done something during my pregnancy to cause this, so with fear and guilt I prayed that all would come out okay. After the MRI she was admitted into the pediatric wing of the hospital, it was brightly colored and had wonderfully friendly nurses. Unknown to me the MRI results were being reviewed by the Neurologist and her assigned doctor, thankfully it came out completely normal, so there were no obvious causes for her to have had a seizure. The doctor came into her room and talked to her and I just to ask about her medical history, if she was a normal pregnancy, any spells of her loosing time, this one he had to explain. So as he explained what those kind of seizure looks like, and they are not as obvious as the grand mal seizure, they are more along the lines of blanking out and loosing time, completely unaware of what happened during the seizure. As the doctor explained this to me I had to admit that she had had these type of episodes, I just never thought anything about it when it happened. I mean I have heard of a grand mal seizure and even had seen what one looked like on television, but I had never heard of a petit mal seizure. The doctors ran test after test and still could not find the cause of the seizure and the last test they wanted to perform was a spinal tap to see if she had meningitis, so outwardly I was calm and comforting on the inside I was praying that this was not the cause. Because she was a little one at the time they gave her an anesthetic, but instead of relaxing her into sleep she had the opposite reaction and got very hyper, apparently this happens to some children when given anesthesia. Since she did not show any symptoms of meningitis her doctor decided against trying to do the spinal tap again. All in all he decided that there was no physical cause of the seizures and he diagnosed her with Primary Generalized Epilepsy (PGE), also called Idiopathic Generalized Epilepsy (IGE), refers to an epilepsy syndrome of idiopathic or unknown cause. An idiopathic disease is a “primary” or “intrinsic” disorder that cannot be attributed to a known underlying condition. So, while other types of epilepsy may be caused by a brain tumor, stroke, or other neurological disorder, idiopathic epilepsy is a primary brain disorder of unknown cause. In fact, most idiopathic epilepsy syndromes are presumed to be due to a genetic cause, but in most cases the specific genetic defect is not known and a family history of epilepsy may not be present. Once seizures start, usually in adolescence, most patients need medication treatment for life to prevent seizure recurrence. People with PGE syndromes usually have normal development and intelligence.
So here we are with a diagnosis and we are, what I find out, at the beginning of a marathon, not a sprint. The first medication they put her one was Dilantin with this medication she would have had to have blood drawn every three months to check on her liver function. I asked to switch her to a different medication and one that did not have that side effect so they put her on Depokote, does not disturb liver function but it can make you sterile if not watched carefully and it has a steroid component, which makes the taker gain weight. Well you know I was not having that. Her neurologist and I discussed a new medication that had great effect at controlling seizures and with none of the side effects of the others she had taken. Dr. Shanahan prescribed Lamictal and we were excited about this new medication however her doctor did let me know to watch out for little bumps that may appear all over her body. She was on lamictal for a month and then she started scratching and scratching, and the little bumps I had been warned about made their appearance, which is an indicator of an allergic reaction. This was strike three with the medications and I was very concerned that we would not find one that would control her seizures and not have the dangerous side effects of all the others medications. We scheduled an emergency appointment to see her neurologist at Children's Hospital in Oakland, admittedly Dr. Shanahan was just as concerned about finding the correct medication for her as I was, that is when she told me about Keppra which had no drug interaction problems, did not affect the liver or other organs and was excellent for controlling seizures. I prayed that this will be the one so I started her on this new medication and my prayers were answered, no seizures, no crazy side effects and most important, she felt better. I felt like I could finally breath a sigh of relief and so could she we were happy to have finally found the one medication that would give her the seizure control she needed. She was doing so well on the new medication that she did not have to go back to the neurologist for six months and that would be just for a check up.
I could go into what life was like for her outside of the medical, how when people found out she has epilepsy they treat her like she has the IQ of an infant. Or they are scared to be around her even though the entire time they had known her she never had a seizure. Or in the case of her fourth grade teacher who called Child Protection Services and reported that she was being neglected at home because she had this condition, just because she did not want her in her classroom. Thankfully I was working closely with the school principle so all the medical things she was going through was discussed in confidence with her principal. The caseworker from Child Protection Services was very kind and she talked to both my children and immediately let me know that she could see that they were both healthy, happy and well taken care of and she was going to state that in her report and then she would close the case.
I will share with you what a beautiful young woman she is growing into and how dedicated she is to doing well in school and going on to college. I can also share with you how wonderfully she sings and the close loving friends she has made even with this diagnosis. She is special and not because of her epilepsy but because she has weathered a storm that no child should have to go through and has come through it beautifully. She does keep it a secret but not because she is ashamed, but because the way people react to it.
Visit these websites to learn a bit more about epilepsy.
www.epilepsyfoundation.org
epilepsy.med.nyu.edu
In 2003 my daughters and I had moved across country to Northern California and because of certain circumstances we were in a "safe location" in San Francisco. On a Saturday morning I woke up first and then my youngest woke up because she had an accident in bed, well I thought nothing of it and we went ahead and stripped the bed and I put her in the bathtub to clean up and so we can get her dressed. This was just a normal morning, she was up and bathed and I was getting her dressed, she laid on my bed so I could put her socks on and then it happened, her whole body was stiff and shaking, she was not breathing normally I knew it was a seizure and later I learned it is called a Grand Mal seizure. It took a second for me register it and then I moved her to the floor and put her on her side and I stuck my finger in her mouth. <side note> Later I learned that it is not necessary to put anything in the mouth of someone having a seizure. I got some help and at the same time I woke my other daughter and someone had called for the ambulance and it seemed like hours, the EMTs had arrived. Honestly I had never been so scared in my life, she finally regained consciousness on the way to the hospital scared and crying, I held her hand and reassured her that I was there and she was going to be alright. We get to UCSF (University of California San Francisco) hospital and she was coming out of it and starting to act like herself again, I was relieved to say the least. So as in all emergency rooms, once she was stable we waited, at least it was a private room, and waited after about two hours a nurse came in and informed me that they were going to do an MRI on her to see if they can find a cause of the seizure. The orderly came and got us and wheeled her in her gurney to the hallway outside of the MRI room and left us there by ourselves. Well then it happened again, she had another Grand Mal seizure right there in the hallway and we were all alone so I proceeded to knock on any door close to me, finally the MRI tech called for the emergency nurse and by the time she showed up the seizure was over. Soon after her seizure subsided the tech and nurse took us into the MRI room, that is where I got a bit more information, immediately after a grand mal seizure you loose the ability to speak, or recognize your immediate surroundings, this does go away soon afterwards. We waited for a few minutes and really let her come out of it and get back to herself and then they started the MRI. I was nervous because what if something major was wrong that we did not know about or what if I had done something during my pregnancy to cause this, so with fear and guilt I prayed that all would come out okay. After the MRI she was admitted into the pediatric wing of the hospital, it was brightly colored and had wonderfully friendly nurses. Unknown to me the MRI results were being reviewed by the Neurologist and her assigned doctor, thankfully it came out completely normal, so there were no obvious causes for her to have had a seizure. The doctor came into her room and talked to her and I just to ask about her medical history, if she was a normal pregnancy, any spells of her loosing time, this one he had to explain. So as he explained what those kind of seizure looks like, and they are not as obvious as the grand mal seizure, they are more along the lines of blanking out and loosing time, completely unaware of what happened during the seizure. As the doctor explained this to me I had to admit that she had had these type of episodes, I just never thought anything about it when it happened. I mean I have heard of a grand mal seizure and even had seen what one looked like on television, but I had never heard of a petit mal seizure. The doctors ran test after test and still could not find the cause of the seizure and the last test they wanted to perform was a spinal tap to see if she had meningitis, so outwardly I was calm and comforting on the inside I was praying that this was not the cause. Because she was a little one at the time they gave her an anesthetic, but instead of relaxing her into sleep she had the opposite reaction and got very hyper, apparently this happens to some children when given anesthesia. Since she did not show any symptoms of meningitis her doctor decided against trying to do the spinal tap again. All in all he decided that there was no physical cause of the seizures and he diagnosed her with Primary Generalized Epilepsy (PGE), also called Idiopathic Generalized Epilepsy (IGE), refers to an epilepsy syndrome of idiopathic or unknown cause. An idiopathic disease is a “primary” or “intrinsic” disorder that cannot be attributed to a known underlying condition. So, while other types of epilepsy may be caused by a brain tumor, stroke, or other neurological disorder, idiopathic epilepsy is a primary brain disorder of unknown cause. In fact, most idiopathic epilepsy syndromes are presumed to be due to a genetic cause, but in most cases the specific genetic defect is not known and a family history of epilepsy may not be present. Once seizures start, usually in adolescence, most patients need medication treatment for life to prevent seizure recurrence. People with PGE syndromes usually have normal development and intelligence.
So here we are with a diagnosis and we are, what I find out, at the beginning of a marathon, not a sprint. The first medication they put her one was Dilantin with this medication she would have had to have blood drawn every three months to check on her liver function. I asked to switch her to a different medication and one that did not have that side effect so they put her on Depokote, does not disturb liver function but it can make you sterile if not watched carefully and it has a steroid component, which makes the taker gain weight. Well you know I was not having that. Her neurologist and I discussed a new medication that had great effect at controlling seizures and with none of the side effects of the others she had taken. Dr. Shanahan prescribed Lamictal and we were excited about this new medication however her doctor did let me know to watch out for little bumps that may appear all over her body. She was on lamictal for a month and then she started scratching and scratching, and the little bumps I had been warned about made their appearance, which is an indicator of an allergic reaction. This was strike three with the medications and I was very concerned that we would not find one that would control her seizures and not have the dangerous side effects of all the others medications. We scheduled an emergency appointment to see her neurologist at Children's Hospital in Oakland, admittedly Dr. Shanahan was just as concerned about finding the correct medication for her as I was, that is when she told me about Keppra which had no drug interaction problems, did not affect the liver or other organs and was excellent for controlling seizures. I prayed that this will be the one so I started her on this new medication and my prayers were answered, no seizures, no crazy side effects and most important, she felt better. I felt like I could finally breath a sigh of relief and so could she we were happy to have finally found the one medication that would give her the seizure control she needed. She was doing so well on the new medication that she did not have to go back to the neurologist for six months and that would be just for a check up.
I could go into what life was like for her outside of the medical, how when people found out she has epilepsy they treat her like she has the IQ of an infant. Or they are scared to be around her even though the entire time they had known her she never had a seizure. Or in the case of her fourth grade teacher who called Child Protection Services and reported that she was being neglected at home because she had this condition, just because she did not want her in her classroom. Thankfully I was working closely with the school principle so all the medical things she was going through was discussed in confidence with her principal. The caseworker from Child Protection Services was very kind and she talked to both my children and immediately let me know that she could see that they were both healthy, happy and well taken care of and she was going to state that in her report and then she would close the case.
I will share with you what a beautiful young woman she is growing into and how dedicated she is to doing well in school and going on to college. I can also share with you how wonderfully she sings and the close loving friends she has made even with this diagnosis. She is special and not because of her epilepsy but because she has weathered a storm that no child should have to go through and has come through it beautifully. She does keep it a secret but not because she is ashamed, but because the way people react to it.
Visit these websites to learn a bit more about epilepsy.
www.epilepsyfoundation.org
epilepsy.med.nyu.edu
Friday, January 25, 2013
The Beginning....
I have been thinking recently that I began this blog and jumped right into posting without really introducing myself or my intention for the blog. So I will do a bit of back tracking and do so now. The title, "This is our day..." is a saying that my Father used to say to me whenever we were either talking on the phone or sitting next to each other, and these where part of the last words he spoke to me before he passed away. These words were always a comfort to me because it meant that in that moment in time it was our time together and no one and nothing is more important that that time. So it has a lot of meaning to me to title my blog with these words.
So the other reasoning behind beginning my blog was out of need. Two years ago, working on three actually, I was working full time in the Property Management field, something I had made my career for the previous twelve years. I really did enjoy the type of work I did, especially when I was in a position to help someone either find their new home or help them with their arrears. It was fulfilling work I really loved the people I worked with and the residents. I thought this is the type of work I can do for the rest of my career unfortunately it did not work out that way. When I returned to my home state I got a job with a Property Management company and I was really looking forward to continuing on with my work. It is at this job that I experienced something I had never experienced before, absolute hostility in the workplace. This was the most hostile work environment I had ever worked in and I had no way of knowing how to work within it and maintain my professionalism. I wish there were words I could use to truly express just how hostile and stressful this time in my life was, it was to the point that I was loosing hair because of the stress. If you have read any previous post you will know I am very used to handling things on my own, so with this involving my professional life I just thought if I worked harder and got my To Do List completed quicker, then maybe my supervisor would see that and give me a break. I could not have been more wrong, no matter how hard I worked there was no satisfying my supervisor. This went on for two months non-stop and only got progressively worse with each passing day. One would think that work stress is not uncommon and it is not, like I said I had been doing this type of work for twelve years so I knew what to expect. Because when you work as the Property Accountant and Assistant Manager, stresses are normal. But this was elevated to a level that was through the roof and it was each and everyday, it was so difficult a work environment that my coworker and I both broke down crying at our respective desks. Finally, it culminated the third week in September, I had watched the manager in seven months hire and fire ten plus people for no good reason. Everything in me told me my day had come, and that is when she called me into her office and told me that "I have to let you go because it is just not working out." Very calmly I went into my office, collected all my personal items out of my desk and I left. I was shell shocked to say the least, because I knew I had done a good job above and beyond what was expected at the corporate level, so this just made no sense at all. I went home told my family what had happened and needless to say they were just as stunned as I was, but I did not let that stop me, I immediately started job hunting, because I knew this was what I had to do. Then someone suggested to me to file for unemployment so at least we will have some income while I am looking for a job, and that is what I did. I applied to a company that I have heard nothing but the best things about and I landed the interview, I was SO happy. I went to the interview and the manager and I clicked and really enjoyed our interview time, I know that is unusual. Well she ended up offering me the job and I was on top of the world, finally I could relax and work in a great environment, well as I went through all the pre-hire paperwork, there was a hitch, my credit was not as good as they would want it to be so that job fell through. That was the straw that broke the camels back, I broke down in a big way, that night I was as low as I had ever been in my life, it was that night it all hit me, the stress, the hostility, the frustration and fear culminated into one overwhelming feeling of FAILURE. This was the lowest I had ever felt in all my adult life, I looked at my family and knew I had let them down, because I did not do enough to keep my job. I figured that they would be in a much better place on the whole if their failure of a Mother was not around holding them back. So I made a plan and was ready to carry it out after my children had gone to bed for the night. So that night a dear friend, who recognized the downward spiral I was on, came and took to the hospital. I was in the hospital for eight days and I got some help but I had no idea what it meant for me to have ended up in this situation. I thought I would get better quickly kind of like you get over a cold, I took the medicine they gave me and that should do it, right? Well no that was and is not the case, so I continued on and began getting the long term help I needed. December of that same year my doctor diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, I was floored, I had never been diagnosed with anything before.
This is the journey I have been on for all this time, it has been difficult at times because once my body gets used to a medication it stops being effective, so I go down and I wish, more than you could imagine, that I had ultimate control over this whole thing but I don't, so I do what my doctors tell me I need to do in order to get better for the long term. So up and down I go and the only difference now is that it is assumed I should be over it by now and I am ultimately responsible for how I am feeling. If only that were the truth. So with all that said this is the main reason for the creation of my blog, to share, to vent, hopefully let someone else know that they are not alone on this type of journey, to say some things that are on my mind, and hopefully to have a laugh. Thank you for going on this journey with me and I hope and pray you continue to read and feel free to comment at any time.
Peace and Blessings!!
So the other reasoning behind beginning my blog was out of need. Two years ago, working on three actually, I was working full time in the Property Management field, something I had made my career for the previous twelve years. I really did enjoy the type of work I did, especially when I was in a position to help someone either find their new home or help them with their arrears. It was fulfilling work I really loved the people I worked with and the residents. I thought this is the type of work I can do for the rest of my career unfortunately it did not work out that way. When I returned to my home state I got a job with a Property Management company and I was really looking forward to continuing on with my work. It is at this job that I experienced something I had never experienced before, absolute hostility in the workplace. This was the most hostile work environment I had ever worked in and I had no way of knowing how to work within it and maintain my professionalism. I wish there were words I could use to truly express just how hostile and stressful this time in my life was, it was to the point that I was loosing hair because of the stress. If you have read any previous post you will know I am very used to handling things on my own, so with this involving my professional life I just thought if I worked harder and got my To Do List completed quicker, then maybe my supervisor would see that and give me a break. I could not have been more wrong, no matter how hard I worked there was no satisfying my supervisor. This went on for two months non-stop and only got progressively worse with each passing day. One would think that work stress is not uncommon and it is not, like I said I had been doing this type of work for twelve years so I knew what to expect. Because when you work as the Property Accountant and Assistant Manager, stresses are normal. But this was elevated to a level that was through the roof and it was each and everyday, it was so difficult a work environment that my coworker and I both broke down crying at our respective desks. Finally, it culminated the third week in September, I had watched the manager in seven months hire and fire ten plus people for no good reason. Everything in me told me my day had come, and that is when she called me into her office and told me that "I have to let you go because it is just not working out." Very calmly I went into my office, collected all my personal items out of my desk and I left. I was shell shocked to say the least, because I knew I had done a good job above and beyond what was expected at the corporate level, so this just made no sense at all. I went home told my family what had happened and needless to say they were just as stunned as I was, but I did not let that stop me, I immediately started job hunting, because I knew this was what I had to do. Then someone suggested to me to file for unemployment so at least we will have some income while I am looking for a job, and that is what I did. I applied to a company that I have heard nothing but the best things about and I landed the interview, I was SO happy. I went to the interview and the manager and I clicked and really enjoyed our interview time, I know that is unusual. Well she ended up offering me the job and I was on top of the world, finally I could relax and work in a great environment, well as I went through all the pre-hire paperwork, there was a hitch, my credit was not as good as they would want it to be so that job fell through. That was the straw that broke the camels back, I broke down in a big way, that night I was as low as I had ever been in my life, it was that night it all hit me, the stress, the hostility, the frustration and fear culminated into one overwhelming feeling of FAILURE. This was the lowest I had ever felt in all my adult life, I looked at my family and knew I had let them down, because I did not do enough to keep my job. I figured that they would be in a much better place on the whole if their failure of a Mother was not around holding them back. So I made a plan and was ready to carry it out after my children had gone to bed for the night. So that night a dear friend, who recognized the downward spiral I was on, came and took to the hospital. I was in the hospital for eight days and I got some help but I had no idea what it meant for me to have ended up in this situation. I thought I would get better quickly kind of like you get over a cold, I took the medicine they gave me and that should do it, right? Well no that was and is not the case, so I continued on and began getting the long term help I needed. December of that same year my doctor diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, I was floored, I had never been diagnosed with anything before.
This is the journey I have been on for all this time, it has been difficult at times because once my body gets used to a medication it stops being effective, so I go down and I wish, more than you could imagine, that I had ultimate control over this whole thing but I don't, so I do what my doctors tell me I need to do in order to get better for the long term. So up and down I go and the only difference now is that it is assumed I should be over it by now and I am ultimately responsible for how I am feeling. If only that were the truth. So with all that said this is the main reason for the creation of my blog, to share, to vent, hopefully let someone else know that they are not alone on this type of journey, to say some things that are on my mind, and hopefully to have a laugh. Thank you for going on this journey with me and I hope and pray you continue to read and feel free to comment at any time.
Monday, January 7, 2013
A Loss
I am sitting at my computer and one song keeps running through my mind, Michael Jackson's You Are Not Alone. I guess it is because I am feeling very alone right now and more than a little bit scared that I have loss someone who is very important to me. Until recently I have found it easier to handle problems on my own and not to bother others with what is going on in my life. Then recently I did something that is so far from my mode of operation that now I am scared I am living with the repercussions of that decision. What did I do? I stepped out of myself and asked for help from friends and family, something I am not really used to doing. What I did not know at the time is that this decision would really prove to be divisive. I lost some and I gained some and I thought that was the beginning of the end of losses in my life. I am afraid that it might not be the case. You see I am really seriously was not comfortable about asking others for help when it comes to my personal life. I have always felt that if I did and I leaned on a friend to much they would get tired of me and walk away. I just did not want that to happen because I value my true friends to much and I don't want them to feel uncomfortable around me expecting me to ask something of them.
If you have had the opportunity to read previous entries you will have a good idea about what I was going through. As I have already admitted it is extremely hard for me to ask for help when it comes to my personal life issues, so I have a tendency not to reach out until the last minute, if at all. I know this is not wise and it does not help the situation to be resolved in a timely manner, but there is that part of me that won't and can't do it. Please do not think I am ungrateful for all the help I received, because that is not the case at all, I thank God for each and everyone that took the time to help me and my family. But I am scared that this whole situation has caused me a major loss, at least it is major to me. You see I really think I have become that friend that they don't want to be around because I may ask for help again. I think my own stubbornness and pride may have cost me my best friend. I know it sound dramatic but this is what I am feeling and here is the reason why. Since the main emergency situation was resolved my best friend has not been the same toward me, we used to chat and laugh together, and it was good, but now I have not really talked to them since December and then there was no joy or laughter happening. Even now I can send a text and maybe or maybe not get an answer back and if I do it is all business. The silence.....hurts. I understand that this may seem trivial to some but in my case I have so very few people that I consider friends and only one person I consider my best friend. I find myself missing them like crazy and wanting to talk with them but that feeling of being a burden to them stops me from calling or texting them accept if it has something to do with my job searching or interviews it seems the laughter is gone. This is the sum of my fear, I ask for help and although I get the help needed, I loose someone important to me.
"You are not alone, I am here with you......"
Peace and blessings
If you have had the opportunity to read previous entries you will have a good idea about what I was going through. As I have already admitted it is extremely hard for me to ask for help when it comes to my personal life issues, so I have a tendency not to reach out until the last minute, if at all. I know this is not wise and it does not help the situation to be resolved in a timely manner, but there is that part of me that won't and can't do it. Please do not think I am ungrateful for all the help I received, because that is not the case at all, I thank God for each and everyone that took the time to help me and my family. But I am scared that this whole situation has caused me a major loss, at least it is major to me. You see I really think I have become that friend that they don't want to be around because I may ask for help again. I think my own stubbornness and pride may have cost me my best friend. I know it sound dramatic but this is what I am feeling and here is the reason why. Since the main emergency situation was resolved my best friend has not been the same toward me, we used to chat and laugh together, and it was good, but now I have not really talked to them since December and then there was no joy or laughter happening. Even now I can send a text and maybe or maybe not get an answer back and if I do it is all business. The silence.....hurts. I understand that this may seem trivial to some but in my case I have so very few people that I consider friends and only one person I consider my best friend. I find myself missing them like crazy and wanting to talk with them but that feeling of being a burden to them stops me from calling or texting them accept if it has something to do with my job searching or interviews it seems the laughter is gone. This is the sum of my fear, I ask for help and although I get the help needed, I loose someone important to me.
"You are not alone, I am here with you......"
Peace and blessings
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Your Words
Your words have stayed with me for years now and I want them to stop. I am part of a family, maybe not yours but I have a family of my own. Your words have shadowed me ever since you have spoken them to me when I was thirteen year old and in some shape, form or fashion they have come to fruition. So what that the family I thought I had is not the one I ended up with, I still have a family.
Dear you,
I was just a little kid of eight years old when you came into my life and the life of my father. From what I have been told I was a good kid, no real trouble. I was a bit of a tomboy but other than some cuts and scrapes I stayed out of trouble. What did I do to you that would make you want to hurt me the way you did? I came when I was called, I sat down and ate lunch politely and still you beat me with a flyswatter until I had welts on my back. I never understood what I did to deserve the punishment given to me. I did the chores you had assigned to me and yet while I was making the beds you punched me in the eye and then told my Father I had gotten in a fight at school, I never fought at school. I apologized for forgetting my house keys but you were so angry that I had done such a thing you smacked me in the face so hard I fell, why? I was just a little kid, doing the normal little kid things, I never knew what would cause the next beating. I tried to tell my Dad what you were doing but again you won and he did not believe me. To prove your point you beat me for what seemed like hours with the flyswatter and with the fresh welts on me you made me take a hot bath and wash with soap, so it would hurt even more. I really tried my best to stay out of trouble but it never seemed to work, no matter what I did you would find fault and punish me for it. I had nowhere to turn to get help because you had convinced everyone that I was lying and trying to break you and my Father up. It was not true, I just wanted you to stop hitting me, I was so scared of you but that did not matter to you. You have no idea how hard I tried to do everything you wanted me to do just so I would not be hit. I had no one to turn to so I wrote it down in my journal, and when you read it you got so angry, I still bear the marks of that beating to this day. I decided that it would be best if I just stayed out of your way, so I would spend my summer days at the community swimming pool. But that still did not stop the hitting it just gave you a new reason to hit me, I was getting to dark being in the sun all day. So you took that away from me, I was no longer allowed to go to the swimming pool in order to stay out of your way. I felt so alone, uncared for with no one to protect me from your ire. It was just me against you and you had the upper hand always, even when it came to your children, my sister and brother. All I ever wanted to do was love them both because they are part of my family, but you made sure I was not apart of their lives. I had promised I would never tell them about what happened, but that was not good enough for you. Then by the time I was thirteen years old you told me that "you are no longer welcome in my house" and "this family is a circle and you are on the outside of that circle and will never be a part of this family" that was the final blow. You even made sure my Father distanced himself from me and now it is to late to repair the relationship, he is gone. After that I never came back, but that still did not ease your hate of me so I stayed away.
I just want to understand why!
Sincerely,
Eight year, Nine year, Ten year, Eleven year, Twelve year and Thirteen year old Me
Please be careful with your words, especially to children, because your words live on in them. Good or bad, happy or sad, they are ever present.
Dear you,
I was just a little kid of eight years old when you came into my life and the life of my father. From what I have been told I was a good kid, no real trouble. I was a bit of a tomboy but other than some cuts and scrapes I stayed out of trouble. What did I do to you that would make you want to hurt me the way you did? I came when I was called, I sat down and ate lunch politely and still you beat me with a flyswatter until I had welts on my back. I never understood what I did to deserve the punishment given to me. I did the chores you had assigned to me and yet while I was making the beds you punched me in the eye and then told my Father I had gotten in a fight at school, I never fought at school. I apologized for forgetting my house keys but you were so angry that I had done such a thing you smacked me in the face so hard I fell, why? I was just a little kid, doing the normal little kid things, I never knew what would cause the next beating. I tried to tell my Dad what you were doing but again you won and he did not believe me. To prove your point you beat me for what seemed like hours with the flyswatter and with the fresh welts on me you made me take a hot bath and wash with soap, so it would hurt even more. I really tried my best to stay out of trouble but it never seemed to work, no matter what I did you would find fault and punish me for it. I had nowhere to turn to get help because you had convinced everyone that I was lying and trying to break you and my Father up. It was not true, I just wanted you to stop hitting me, I was so scared of you but that did not matter to you. You have no idea how hard I tried to do everything you wanted me to do just so I would not be hit. I had no one to turn to so I wrote it down in my journal, and when you read it you got so angry, I still bear the marks of that beating to this day. I decided that it would be best if I just stayed out of your way, so I would spend my summer days at the community swimming pool. But that still did not stop the hitting it just gave you a new reason to hit me, I was getting to dark being in the sun all day. So you took that away from me, I was no longer allowed to go to the swimming pool in order to stay out of your way. I felt so alone, uncared for with no one to protect me from your ire. It was just me against you and you had the upper hand always, even when it came to your children, my sister and brother. All I ever wanted to do was love them both because they are part of my family, but you made sure I was not apart of their lives. I had promised I would never tell them about what happened, but that was not good enough for you. Then by the time I was thirteen years old you told me that "you are no longer welcome in my house" and "this family is a circle and you are on the outside of that circle and will never be a part of this family" that was the final blow. You even made sure my Father distanced himself from me and now it is to late to repair the relationship, he is gone. After that I never came back, but that still did not ease your hate of me so I stayed away.
I just want to understand why!
Sincerely,
Eight year, Nine year, Ten year, Eleven year, Twelve year and Thirteen year old Me
Please be careful with your words, especially to children, because your words live on in them. Good or bad, happy or sad, they are ever present.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Look out 2013 here I come....
Over the past couple of years I believe I have forgotten how strong a woman I am.....July 10, 2003 4:00 am my daughters and I boarded a Greyhound bus to San Francisco, we lived in Georgia at the time. It took two days forty-eight minutes for us to reach our destination. I had lived in California when I was a teenager, but that was Southern California, we were starting anew in Northern California. This was a serious walk of faith because we did not have friends nor family in Northern California that we could stay with until we got on our feet. When we arrived in San Francisco, we went immediately to the Oceanside part of the city, now the one thing we were not dressed for was the sixty degree day in which we had arrived, to the hotel I had booked for us. The hotel owners took pity on us and let us check into our room early, before 12 pm, they gave us directions to the nearest store and how to visit the beach which as just a short walk down the street, they were very kindhearted. So there we were in a hotel room in California, no job, no friends or family, and limited funds, there was a deep rooted fear that was settling in my gut, I mean I did not know what I was going to do, but I knew the situation that I had left was far worse than what I was facing. That is when I remembered something my sister said when she and her children hit a rough patch. So I took that route made a couple of phone calls, and to protect all those that these organizations protect I will not write their names, but my daughters and I went into a batter women's shelter. At first I felt badly because I was not being abused by a boyfriend or husband so why did they let us stay? What they taught me was abuse comes in all different ways, and the way I experienced it was verbal, and emotional and it had taken place over many years and that is why they accepted us into the shelter. I know most will think that a shelter, no way no how, well I have to admit I had always heard nothing but negative things about shelters so I was not expecting what we were welcomed into. The place we ended up was previously a convent, the place was very well kept, spacious and the staff was wonderfully helpful to me and my children. I had my own room and my children had their room they shared. Although typically ladies were only allowed to stay for 30 days, we ended up staying there for 3 months and when it was time to leave, we were scared but the staff made sure that we would end up in a place that was just as nice and staff just as caring. The next place was wonderful and the staff was just as helpful, it is there that my youngest had her first seizure, we went to the hospital (UCSF) and that is when I was informed that she has Epilepsy. The staff at the hospital and at the shelter were kind, supportive and made sure we had all that we needed. I made sure that I became very informed about Epilepsy and all the medications used to control it. I know it sounds rough but it really was an enlightening experience for me and my daughters and it was far from bad. We finally got the message that our transitional housing was ready for us to move in, and it is then that we moved to the East Bay area to a city named Concord. A few more steps were taken to get us up on our feet and moving forward, it is there that I started my career in Property Managment, something I had wanted to do for a long time. All these events happened during our first year in California and it was only going to get better. Once I was working I saved and we were able to move out of transitional housing and into our first apartment in California. It was small place but we loved it, because it was ours, and all my coworkers at the time had contributed to furnishing our new home. From that first job in Property Management I was able to become employed with one of the larger Real Estate Investment Trust and that is where I stayed for almost 4 years. I really loved what I did for a living, but the winds of change were heading my way. I did not want things to change what I did for a living I had done it for several years and I really enjoyed it, but instead of change nudging me on it pushed me on so I lost my job. At first I was really angry, sad, and scared, I mean what was I going to do now? Once I calmed down and really took a self assessment I had to admit that when all the wheels were set in motion I should have listened to my instincts and left the position before it took a turn for the worse. But I didn't and so it was time for me to leave the company. A hard lesson learned.
For 2013 that is one of the things I would like to get better at doing, following my instincts. I will take each situation this year and look at if it will be a positive experience for me or a negative one and keep myself focused on the positive. I know things will happen, difficulty will spring up from time to time but there is always a solution to every problem if it is handled right away, another lesson I am in the process of learning, the problem will have a simple solution. I look at my daughter and since the age of seven, she has had Epilepsy and she is hoping she is one of the few cases that grow out of the seizures one day, but that happens rarely. She has experienced all the emotions with having this diagnosis and the fear. Although it has been a while since she has had a seizure it is still something we are concerned about, a headache is not just a headache to her, it is reason to be worried something might happen. One of her biggest fears is that she has a seizure at school and then she will be found out and the kids will treat her differently or like something is wrong with her. But despite this fear and worry she rarely misses a day of school and has not let Epilepsy stop her from doing the things she loves to do. I am taking her example and the strength I had to take my children across country and apply it and reapply it to myself. I have to remember everyday that I am not my diagnosis, it is just something that is a part of my life and it is not my life. I have to keep taking steps forward and not back. Happy 2013!!!
Peace and Blessings
For 2013 that is one of the things I would like to get better at doing, following my instincts. I will take each situation this year and look at if it will be a positive experience for me or a negative one and keep myself focused on the positive. I know things will happen, difficulty will spring up from time to time but there is always a solution to every problem if it is handled right away, another lesson I am in the process of learning, the problem will have a simple solution. I look at my daughter and since the age of seven, she has had Epilepsy and she is hoping she is one of the few cases that grow out of the seizures one day, but that happens rarely. She has experienced all the emotions with having this diagnosis and the fear. Although it has been a while since she has had a seizure it is still something we are concerned about, a headache is not just a headache to her, it is reason to be worried something might happen. One of her biggest fears is that she has a seizure at school and then she will be found out and the kids will treat her differently or like something is wrong with her. But despite this fear and worry she rarely misses a day of school and has not let Epilepsy stop her from doing the things she loves to do. I am taking her example and the strength I had to take my children across country and apply it and reapply it to myself. I have to remember everyday that I am not my diagnosis, it is just something that is a part of my life and it is not my life. I have to keep taking steps forward and not back. Happy 2013!!!
Peace and Blessings
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